Deep grief over Mount Calvary

Since Friday morning when I learned that my beloved Mount Calvary had burned in the Santa Barbara Tea fire, I have been in a place of deep grief. Sunday afternoon after church I found space and place to let my tears flow freely. Mount Calvary is a place where I have found God, found myself, made religious vows, learned to love, learned to lead, learned to follow. And I find myself, along with countless others around the world, in a place of deep sadness. It is as if my family home has been destroyed.

I have been in amazing conversations since Friday with parishioners, colleagues, friends, about what it means to experience such a loss. And, when one is a "church professional", there is a tendency to fall unconsciously into one's role or be encouraged by others to place oneself in that role. And as a priest, I have fallen prey to this tendency in good and not-so-helpful ways. It was helpful on Sunday when my role was to lead my community in worship. And so lead I did and pastor I did. And it is not so helpful when I fall prey to the false notion that I must always serve as a pastor, not as person pastored. Who is the pastor of the priest? That is an ongoing and lifegiving discovery for me.

At some point, the role must fall away if one is to live authentically into the wholeness of reality, the fullness of life and death, suffering and sadness. Death, hell, and resurrection.

Today I will take as a day to simply grieve as a mourner. One of the gifts that an evolved church offers is mutual and collaborative ministry in which lay people, priests, deacons, bishops, can be pastors to one another. All titles and false powers and roles fall away and the interconnection, dependence on each other, absolute inability to survive without each other, all these counter cultural, yet fundamental truths, are strengthened and recognized and affirmed.

Beth, Arlene and Liz strengthened me this morning with a wake-up phone call, a little erging, a little pumping iron, and large cups of coffee with abundant dollops of comforting conversation. They have sent me well to my day of reflection and I give great thanks for the pastoring they offered me today.